It’s Halloween.
And as the ghosts and goblins come out to haunt the night, I’m wondering, what are you really afraid of?
There was some survey taken years ago that claimed that people’s number one fear is the fear of public speaking. I believe the fear of death ranked third place, right behind the fear of snakes. Can you believe it?
I don’t. I think that’s all a lot of hooey. I don’t believe that people are afraid of public speaking. What they are really afraid of is public humiliation. I also don’t believe that people are afraid of flying. They’re afraid of plummeting to the earth in an oversized tin can.
So, if you think you’re afraid of speaking in public, think again. Chances are, what you’re really afraid of is one or all of the following: looking like a fool, being judged as stupid, boring, or inadequate, messing up, losing your place and blanking out, or losing control of yourself or the situation.
And if you take a witch’s caldron and boil all of these horrors down to their essence, it comes down to this: you’re afraid of being judged and/or not being able to control the situation so it goes favorably for you. Which, if you really simmer it down even more, is a fear of not being able to control others, one’s self, or the situation.
When most of my clients feel nervous and anxious before they speak or perform, they are usually thinking about all the things that can go wrong. “What if I forget my lines? What if I blank out? What if people find me boring?” All the “what if’s” of doom and disaster. Their feelings of fear and anxiety come from this need to control a situation that feels out of their control in order not to be judged as stupid or inadequate.
What if you didn’t care? What if you were willing to go with the flow and lose control, to roll with whatever happened? What if you were willing to look foolish? What if you welcomed any slip-ups you may make. And other people’s judgments? What if you could just say, “Bring it on!”?
One of The Diva’s 7 Secrets for Becoming Fearless in Your Self-Expression (a soon-to-be-release Special Report) is “You Can’t Give a Rip What Anyone Else Thinks” (with gratitude to Abraham-Hicks). It’s pretty self-explanatory. Let go of needing the approval or good judgment of anyone. Care more about WHAT you are there to do rather than your need to do it in a way that will win the admiration of others. Care more about enjoying this opportunity to express yourself than about making sure everyone finds you fascinating.
I know. It’s hard. We are so used to trying to get people to like us, to approve of us. We’ve had a lifetime of trying. But maybe it’s time to give it up.
See, the thing is, you can’t control what people think. THEY can’t even control their own thinking so what makes you think you can? It’s really a futile effort. Give it up. Besides, it’s none of your business. What they think about you is none of your business. It’s THEIR business.
So, attend to your own business, which is creating the most wonderful experience for yourself while you are speaking or performing. Give yourself full permission to mess up, lose your place and look silly. If you can roll with whatever happens, your audience will, too.
You’re not afraid of public speaking. You never were. And if you can let go of your need to control the judgments of others and your need to appear just so, you can being to really enjoy just being yourself whenever you are speaking or performing in public.
Posted on Oct 31st 06 by Nancy Tierney.
Nancy Tierney is a jazz/cabaret singer and performance/speech coach who teaches people how to speak or perform in public with unconditional confidence, ease and creative charisma. http://www.unconditionalconfidence.com
Other posts on Coachamatic by Nancy Tierney.
I have been teaching communication skills and, in particular, mastering the fear of public speaking, for 2 years. I discuss the fear and why we have the symptoms we have but I really haven’t put it in terms that you did. You are quie right. I can attest to that because, like I explain in my workshops/classes, I’ve had a hereditary speech impediment but that didn’t stop me from conversing. It was after I interpreted the poem, The Road Not Taken, in high school that my fear of “being humiliated” began. The students started snickering at my answer (I gave a practical, not a philosphical, answer). That was bad enough but when my teacher also ridiculed me, I never ever raised my hand to volunteer an answer. I would answer if called on but I would never volunteer — even through college and several years in my career.
Thankfully, thanks to Toastmasters, I have mastered my fear and now I’m doing the same for others.
Regards,
Frank
Frank,
You are not alone!
It seems every client I work with has a similar horror story.
I remember asking a question in French class once and the teacher said, “Nancy, that is a very stupid question.” He was probably right, but it was like a blast of hot air from hell to hear him say it out loud in front of the whole class.
The challenge is for us now, as adults, to have enough self-respect and perspective to not care what anyone else might think, even if we do ask a stupid question. It wasn’t stupid to me! And your interpretation was YOUR interpretation. Who cares if it was literal or practical or fantastical. It was what it was.
Thanks for your comment, and I’m so glad Toastmasters proved to be a great “Road Taken” for you.