The first time I heard the term life hack I thought it sounded like a violent act of some kind. If you’re new to the idea of hacks, they’re just quick or clever solutions for greater productivity in dealing with complex problems.
Today inaugurates my first set of conflict hacks for Coachamatic, to which I’ll add new hacks over time. Conflict’s complex, so no single hack will “fix” a dispute. These hacks come from the kinds of strategies and tactics mediators use to help complex disputes get resolved, so I can promise you they work. Use one, use ‘em all, share them with others…hell, start a movement.
Conflict Hack 1: Erase “yes, but” from your lexicon. “Yes, but” does nothing but demonstrate vividly that you aren’t really listening…you’re just waiting for the other person to close their mouth so that you can carry on with the “but” part of your message. It’s filler, and annoying filler at that, the same as saying “I agree” and then a split second later, “Well, not really, let me point out why my view is better…”
Conflict Hack 2: Toss “I hear you,” too. Why is it that the person sitting across the table who says, “I hear you,” doesn’t really seem to hear you at all? It’s throwaway language and irritating to the person who doesn’t think you do hear them. Instead of tired, useless words like these, just say what you heard. The other person will tell you if you got it right. If you did, great, you can move forward knowing you understand and the other person sees you were listening. If you didn’t get it right, no problem—the attempt will go a long way to cooling the others’ anger flames and you’ll have another chance to improve your understanding.
Conflict Hack 3: Count to Ten…Thousand. It turns out that mom may have had the right idea when she advised us to “count to 10″ before responding in a conflict. In disputes and other difficult conversations, our emotions can really swamp us. It’s called an emotional hijacking and just like a creek that’s swamped your back yard, your emotional swamp waters need real time to recede…at least 20 minutes, maybe more, of thinking about something else entirely. Staying in the conflict when you’re swamped means you’re going to struggle to function, and a short break isn’t enough to really get your balance back—and keep it.
Posted on Dec 8th 06 by Tammy Lenski.
Tammy helps people talk out their differences and build stronger work and home relationships in the process. She does this as a coach, mediator and trainer and works with people worldwide. http://www.lenski.com
Other posts on Coachamatic by Tammy Lenski.
good stuff! it’s important to keep in mind that people vary highly in their perceptive and empathic skills. some folks seem unphased by “filler” and there are those of us who are easily put off buy it. i’m glad to see someone spoke up for those of us who see through these social mechanisms. communication at it’s core is a hard nut to crack. anyone who thinks it’s easy isn’t really communicating at all.