Coachamatic

It shouldn’t be a secret. We should have learned it when we were kids. We should have mastered it in early adulthood.

Instead, many of us learned to do negotiation and conflict this way: We say, here’s what I want (want to do, want to be able to do, want you to do, want you not to do…you get the picture). Here are all the good and logical reasons you should agree with me. What, you don’t agree with me? Let me tell you again about all the good reasons. Let me poke holes in your reasoning. What, you still don’t agree with me? What’s wrong with you?

The secret to getting what you want isn’t to convince, or bully, or judge their faults (let alone itemize them!), or pull rank, or manipulate.

The secret to getting what you want is to stop trying to get what you want.

Yep. Counter-intuitive, isn’t it? But only because you’ve been doing it the other way for so long that it’s a well ingrained pattern in your brain and so feels normal. You can exchange one “normal” behavior for another one. People change habits by the droves, though it takes commitment and a new habit to replace the old one.

The commitment part is up to you. But I can suggest a new habit to replace the old one. Next time you’re in a disagreement with a co-worker, boss, spouse, partner or friend, try adopting this habit of mind instead:

Be a learner. Ask questions, not to trap, but to understand. Questions like,

• Why doesn’t my idea work for you?
• What do you think I don’t understand yet?
• What would make it work for you?

Just be a learner. If you can adopt that frame of mind, the right questions will be there for you.

It shouldn’t be a secret. Tell everyone you know. Practice it together, help each other learn it. Heck, you could even start a whole darn movement in your company or family.

Posted on Sep 12th 06 by Tammy Lenski.

Tammy helps people talk out their differences and build stronger work and home relationships in the process. She does this as a coach, mediator and trainer and works with people worldwide. http://www.lenski.com

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