“You’re either with us or against us.”
“You’re either my friend or my foe.”
“You either agree with me or you’re un-neighborly.”
Who says that any disagreement means there’s a problem with a relationship? And who says that disagreement is as black and white as “with us or against us”?
A few weeks ago, my little neighborhood had a disagreement. In the grand scheme of things, it was minor. But it created a 24-hour flurry of emails. It was about snow plowing for the coming winter months, of all things.
Because we’re a private, rural road, the town doesn’t take care of us. We and our neighbors jointly finance the annual plowing and road maintenance. It’s not a big deal, usually. But this year, one neighbor decided to look for a new plow guy. The one we’d all hired in the past did a sometimes shoddy job and his customer service skills were, well, non-existent. Things unfolded rapidly from there and a contract was made with a new guy before several of us had a chance to weigh in or make sure the new guy would be acceptable for our individual driveways. Emails flew back and forth.
In one, a neighbor lamented about the misfortune of disagreement, because it wasn’t “neighborly” and we all need to get along.
I’ve been musing about that email ever since. We do need to get along on our little road—who wants to have a bad relationship with a neighbor? But I’ve realized yet again that there’s an “all or nothing” view that some people have of conflict, and, from my mediator’s headset, it’s not a very helpful view. It’s a false dichotomy.
Can we be neighbors who like each other and occasionally disagree? Can we be spouses and partners who disagree, even on some vital matters, yet still love each other. Can we be co-workers who disagree and still work well together? Sure can.
And if we can talk it out effectively, we’ll actually have a stronger relationship in the future.
Posted on Nov 2nd 06 by Tammy Lenski.
Tammy helps people talk out their differences and build stronger work and home relationships in the process. She does this as a coach, mediator and trainer and works with people worldwide. http://www.lenski.com
Other posts on Coachamatic by Tammy Lenski.
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