“Well, he’s half a bubble shy of plumb.”
I though that phrase was so hilarious that I asked my husband, who had pen in hand at the time, to write it down for me. I just found it under a bag of shiny fresh Macintosh apples in the kitchen. Unfortunately, I can’t recall what movie or television show we were watching when I heard the phrase (if you know, please leave me a comment).
When I found the note this morning, I happened to be thinking about how much pop-psych diagnosing goes on in a conflict situation. We think we know what’s wrong with the other person:
She’s a major manipulator. He’s just so passive aggressive! She can’t handle being wrong. He can’t admit the truth to himself. She’s a chronic avoider. He’s half a bubble shy of plumb.
So much diagnosis, so little true wisdom. Diagnosis is good for egos, because you can vilify the person who’s ticking you off and make the problem about their deficiencies. Yet there are two major problems with this approach to conflict management:
- You have a good chance of being wrong. People act the way they do for lots of reasons and when you put them in one diagnostic box you close off any chance of really understanding them.
- You hand over all your power. If you make the conflict about their human limitations, then you’ve essentially said only they can fix it (or themselves). Talk about disempowering.
Next time you find yourself thinking something like, “Well, he’s half a bubble shy of plumb,” try this instead: Ask instead of diagnose.
Posted on Oct 4th 06 by Tammy Lenski.
Tammy helps people talk out their differences and build stronger work and home relationships in the process. She does this as a coach, mediator and trainer and works with people worldwide. http://www.lenski.com
Other posts on Coachamatic by Tammy Lenski.
Excellent points, Tammy. So much conflict could be avoided if only we stayed away from diagnosing. Diagnosing is simply making assumptions and assumptions are at the core of most misunderstandings, and I can’t tell you how often I see conflict that has arisen as the result of a misunderstanding of some kind. This is a prime example of how, often, the best solution is a simple one: Ask.
It is a simple and best practice, Lisa…but deceptively simply, I think. Because it’s darn hard to be curious when you’re ticked off. If people practice in lower stakes situations, they’ll have a much better chance of bringing that same mindset to the more difficult conversations. Thanks for taking the time to comment!