Coachamatic

 In Design Your Life’s Adventure I introduced ten keys to a life designed to support relationships in this space.  I promised to address the keys in more detail in the future.  The key of loving yourself first relates to coming out.  It’s appropriate to focus on coming out and National Coming Out Day in light of this.

Let’s look at how all these things relate to coming out, when to come out and finally how to come out.  First, how are the things I mentioned earlier related to coming out?  It has been shown in multiple polls over the last several years that if people know a gay person they are more likely to support legislation granting our civil rights.  Domestic Partner laws have been made possible partly because people knew gay people.  They will live or die in the courts for the same reason.  If we are to defeat the effort to amend us out of the U. S. Constitution we will have to have the support of friends, family and co-workers.  You see all of our political and legal gains of recent years can be related to more members of the GLBT community coming out.  Not to mention the increasing numbers of prominent GLBTers, like Lance Bass, coming out.

The loving yourself first key relates to coming out directly.  In order to come out you have to be at a place in your life and development as a gay person where you are comfortable.  Comfortable with who you are in general, comfortable with being gay and comfortable talking about it.  You see no one comes out without loving themselves first, at least to some degree.  The courage required to come out is born of sufficient self-esteem to know the time is right.

Speaking of the time being right, when do you come out?  It doesn’t have to be October 11th.  In fact, it shouldn’t be unless you are ready.  Readiness depends on you and who you are coming out to.  It takes one level of readiness to come out to yourself and a completely different level to come out to your parents, family or boss. While it may not be easy, it is easiest to come out to oneself than to other people.  Since you must know you are and be comfortable with being gay to come out to others, we come out to ourselves first.  Once out to ourselves we continue our development and acceptance as gay people until we are comfortable sharing our homosexuality with others.

Another factor is when is the right time to come out is safety.  Geography, religious background, family or work circumstances and you affect safety.  Safety for a teenager in high school living at home with his or her parents is different from safety for a 40 year old with a job and their own apartment.  Only you can determine if it is safe for you to come out.  If you live in a geographic area when there is little or no support structure in terms of a gay community it may be more difficult to come out.  In areas where certain fundamentalist, conservative religious institutions are dominant it may not be safe to come out.  If you have a supportive family then coming will be a safer experience than if your parents and siblings are likely to be homophobic and hostile.  These are the consideration you have to look at when determining if coming out is safe.  Ideally, you wouldn’t have to do this alone.  You would have access to a gay community center, hotline or support group.  You can even use a coach.  Most if not all of these resources are available via phone or Internet so even if you live in a very rural area you can get support.

Coming out as you can see is a process.  It is an ongoing process for most gay men and lesbians for a lifetime.  While the details of the process may be somewhat different based on individuals in general we start by coming out to ourselves, then trusted close friends, family, other friends and finally work and the world in general.  Each stage in the process provides for personal development and growth.

Before coming out to ourselves we come to terms with being gay and accept it on a basic level.  This process may involve experimentation, exploring the gay world via the Internet, books or magazines, or even therapy.  Once we have come out to ourselves often we seek an even greater understanding of ourselves and the community, which begins a quest for information.  It is not unusual for someone to become a voracious reader of all things gay at this stage.  This is also where some people begin seeking out companionship and connection to the gay community through community centers and other venues.   I would like to point out that this also would be a logical place to hire a coach if you have the ability to do this.  I or another coach would be able to provide resources, guidance and support through the process in an objective manner.  Some friends and family have a vested interest in keeping you in the closet, often without realizing it.  A coach only has an interest in you achieving your desired life.

At some point in your development, it will be different for each person; you will feel ready to tell someone you are gay.  I suggest picking a close friend you trust and feel will be supportive.  The reason is twofold. First, you’ll gain confidence if you have a good experience the first time and second, you will have some one additional to support you as you tell others.  As your own knowledge and acceptance grows you will feel comfortable telling progressively important people in you life.  Parents and employers are usually the most difficult.  Most people tell their siblings first so as to have support in telling mom and dad.  Do whatever is in your opinion best for you and your family.  It’s usually best to have this conversation with your parents face to face.  In some cases you may need to use an alternate method.  If you do use a method other than face to face be sure of why you are using it.  Are you using a letter because you are afraid to do it in person?  If so, reconsider telling them at all.  It won’t be easy but it will give you all the best chance at a favorable out come to do it in person.  In my experience, people who I have told face to face have been easier than over the phone or in a letter.  You have complete and real feedback.  Which you don’t get any other way.

A couple of excellent resources on coming out are Outing Yourself by Michelangelo Signorile and the National Coming Out Project website.  In his 1996 book Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends and Coworkers Signorile lays out a well thought out process for coming out.  It is a framework for a safe, accepting and positive coming out experience.  It has been used as a model by may gay men and lesbians, including myself.  I recommend the book to my clients all the time.  This is still a premier resource on the coming out process.

The National Coming Out Project  is a project of the Human Rights Campaign.  The goal is to promote honesty about our lives and educate America but who we really are as gays and lesbians.  In addition to sponsoring National Coming Out Day the project supports members of the community in coming out.  This support takes the form of resources to assist in talking to family and friends, programs regarding diversity in the workplace and information geared to specific groups with in the community.  The website also has information for straight allies.  You can also read coming out stories and share yours if you wish. An excellent resource is A Resource Guide to Coming Out (http://tinyurl.com/o2r95)

These two resources provide a wealth of information and support.  In addition, your local gay and lesbian community center, the National Gay & Lesbian Hotline (1-888-THE-GLHN) and many other sources are available to support you.

Some final thoughts for this month, on a recent trip to Minnesota for a family wedding I was struck by something.  What I was struck with was how in a small town rural setting I became cautious and conservative.  This normally out, activist type tried to pass for straight.  Something, by the way, I’m told is impossible.  It has to do with not compromising safety for any reason.  I was also struck by the fact I may have been over reacting.  My sister in law was routinely and nonchalantly introducing Richard and I as a couple.  The bride in the receiving line introduced me to her new in laws as her Uncles partner.  A woman at the reception, while dragging me to the dance floor, said, “they say you’re gay but, I don’t care.”  While I won’t go down Main St. holding Richard’s had next trip home, I also won’t worry as much.  It appears that at least part of small town America is making progress.  Like they say, don’t judge a book by its cover.

Posted on Sep 19th 06 by David Stocum.

David Stocum works empowering gay men to thrive in business, career and life. David hosts the ICF GLBT SIG, Rainbow Coaches Alliance (Coach U and Coachville) and Rainbow Network (GLBT business owners) online communities. David will be co-presenting at the ICF Conference on bringing Coaching to the GLBT community. David lives in Las Cruces, NM with his partner of 7 years. He is active in the local GLBT community as a volunteer. http://www.greatlivescoaching.com

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